Thursday, 12 July 2012

No, I'm not dead....lazy yes...but not dead!

I know I know, it’s been like forever but I’ve been busy with stuff. Yeh you heard me, stuff! Nothing in particular, just the ongoing maintenance of the cycle fleet (which now numbers in the region of 1), the ongoing maintenance of the house and its interesting rain related water feature in the cellar, and the ongoing maintenance of the kids (the boys volume control is broken and the girls sleep mode is stuck on ‘absolute minimum’). There’s the ongoing maintenance of the car, which by the time you’ll have finished reading this will need new rear tyres and who could forget the ongoing maintenance of ongoing, which is appears to be directly proportional to alcohol intake. 

The biggest bit of nothing in particular was only flipping “Butlins” baby yeh!!! Or as people without children know it, “hell”. Butlins is a low fat version of Disneyland and it’s a darn sight cheaper as well. A family of four can stay for a week and nosh themselves silly in the all-you-can-keep-down buffet for the same price as just one EuroDisney ticket. Its clientele are the higher end of the great unwashed, M&S shoppers who know where Poundland is. To me Butlins was meat and two veg heaven with a million ways to tire the sprogs out. It is also home of the redcoats. American civil war fanatics shouldn’t get overly excited because I am in fact NOT referring to 18th century English soldiers. These redcoats are a collection of perma-grin reject air stewardesses and hugely camp failed local radio dj’s. They don’t eat, they absorb all the nutrients they need through make up and hair products. They all have an amazing affinity with children and a scarily similar I.Q. Their twee-ness is so much they could use it to cut sheet steel and you’ll be interested to know that it was a redcoat’s handshake that was used as the original template for those arcade claw grabber machines. Despite what you’re thinking though Redcoats are awesome! I’d get one for the kids to play with but then there’s all the injections, neutering, vets bills, cleaning up little piles of cheese, taking it to cabarets..etc.

The majority of the entertainment on site was completely free. The pool was epic, there’s no other word for it. Wave machines, slides, rafts, there were no end of ways to be drowned with a smile. The constant procession of shows in what was nicknamed ‘The Headache Tent’ kept the kiddies highly amused for hours. Sweetshops flanked the stage so our little angels were constantly buzzing and pinging off the brightly coloured walls. An early night was guaranteed, when it was time for their bedtime you simply stopped the sugar supply and waited for the resulting crash. Once the little banshees were tucked up in bed, either the wife or I would wander the short distance to the nearest local convenience with a shopping list consisting of two items; booze and crap to eat. To make it worse there’s a Tescos AND Morrisons just outside the gate! 

By the morning the floors were awash with empty crisp packets and chocolate wrappers while the bin was converted into an overflowing bottle bank. Those that remember last years damp-camp in Devon will be glad to know that we got away with the weather as well. Thank you karma monkeys. 

So, in summary or indeed any season I would hole fartedly recommend Butlins. 

By the way if you’re thinking of having kids I suggest a weekend at a Butlins during peak season will give you a Grand Canyon sized insight. After going you might want to consider my vasectomy blog.