Friday, 17 August 2012

A Modern Day Bible according to Dawonderful

ED1:1 In the beginning God’s wife sent him to a Scandinavian self assembly furniture store to buy the heaven and the earth.
ED1:2 And the earth was flat pack and without form, and the void that was Sunday afternoon was now filled with darkness and wrong sized hex keys. And God moved upon the face of the waters where he promptly filled the kettle.
ED1:3 And God said, Let there be coffee: and there was coffee with milk and two sugars.
ED1:4 And God drank the coffee, and it was good: and God divided the wafers from the digestives while he decided what power tools he would need from the shed.
ED1:5 And God called the light in the shed bright, and the darkness he called creepy. And God wasn’t overly keen on spiders.
ED1:6 And God said, I must sort the paint cans out, some of them are rock hard.
ED1:7 And God tidied the shed, and divided the matt paint which were under the shelf from the emulsions which were above the shelf: and it was tidy.
ED1:8 And God called the shelf sorted. And the evening would be clear to drink beer and the morning was to recover.
ED1:9 And God’s wife said, Let the useless paint tins under the shelf be gathered together unto one place, the bin, and behold the floor did appear: and it was nice to see.
ED1:10 And God called the bag of top soil Earth; and the gathering together of the white spirit he called Something to clean paint brushes with: and God saw that it was good but smelly.
ED1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and something to stop the birds eating the seeds. And it was sown.
ED1:12 And the earth brought forth grass, but in patches and not very even and God was slightly miffed.
ED1:13 Day three.
ED1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the shed again. I need to check the instructions.
ED1:15 And let there be lights for the garden so as we can sit out the back when the kids have gone to sleep: and it was so.
ED1:16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the porch, and the lesser light to rule the barbeque: he made some stars because they look pretty.
ED1:17 And God remembered that messing around with lights was fun but it wasn’t going to get the heaven and earth made.
ED1:18 God’s wife ruled over the day and night, and could divide the light from the dog kennel: and God pulled a finger out.
ED1:19 And the evening and the morning of the fourth day were spent bodging furniture together. God’s was happy: and it was nice to see.
ED1:20 And God said, Let waters bring forth a garden feature and possibly the odd duck.
ED1:21 And God remembered the whales and thought of a pond with some fish. Ducks love ponds. And God remembered the garden centre had a sale on: and it was good.
ED1:22 And God thought this was an ace idea. Lots of ducks would soon mean baby ducks, and God’s wife thought they were cute.
ED1:23 And the evening and the morning of the fifth day were spent seeing what the neighbours had done in their gardens and buying something even bigger.
ED1:24 And God said, Wildlife is great, even the creepy crawlies: as long as they stay outside: and it was so.
ED1:25 And God pondered some livestock. Where there were cattle, there was dung and flies and things that creepeth. It would take some looking after.
ED1:26 And God said, I must find a man who is the image of  me, with my likeness: who will have dominion over the garden when I’m too old. I need him to look after the ducks and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
ED1:27 God needed to find a man in his own image, he was to be the spitting image of a younger him. He had also to find a female as the man couldn’t be trusted. With anything.
ED1:28 And God pondered what to speak unto them, One day you will need to replenish the earth, and weed it: and look after the carp in the pond and the ducks in the pond, don’t let them boss you around.
ED1:29 And God said, Behold wife, I have made a herb garden: we will never use it but it will smell nice. God also planted fruit yielding trees and trees for yielding meat. And God said, they are ham bushes: and God’s wife did not laugh.
ED1:30 And to every animal in the garden, to every duck by the pond, even some of the creepeth things, pretty much everywhere, God had created edible things: and it was awesome.
ED1:31 And God looked out the next day and saw that everything was still awesome.

ED2:1 The heavens and the earth were finally finished, and God was smug.
ED2:2 And on the seventh day God put his tools back in the shed; and he rested on the sun lounger.
ED2:3 And God blessed the day, and sanctified it a day of rest: because he was knackered.
ED2:4 Heaven and earth would be around for generations; God made the earth and the heavens and not the joker who had repointed the house.
ED2:5 And every plant would grow in the earth, and every herb but it would need watering. The LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to tend the ground with a hose.
ED2:6 But the clouds did gather, and watered the whole face of the ground until it was sodden and squelchy under foot.
ED2:7 And the LORD God formed shapes in the ground to create a two tier drainage effect, and into each plants nostrils he breathed the breath of life so as to make them grow.
ED2:8 And the LORD God decided to ignore his wife's southerly suggestion and plant a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the plants in pots whom he had formed.
ED2:9 And into the ground the LORD God planted nice looking trees and trees that would bring food; the tree the wife liked also in the midst of the garden but more towards the back, and the monkey puzzle tree of good looks and evil sharp bits.
ED2:10 And a pipe from the water butt went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was holed into four leaky rivers.
ED2:11 The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth a bit too quickly. It shall be the first to get mold.
ED2:12 And the mold of that land is not good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone to hide it from God’s wife.
ED2:13 And the name of the second river is Gihon: the leak is much smaller and compasseth a land drier than Ethiopia.
ED2:14 And the name of the third leaky river is Hiddekel: the two tier effect which makes the water goeth like a train toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth hole made the river Euphrates.
ED2:15 And the LORD God spoke to Adam down the garden centre, and put him into the garden of Eden using pictures from is smart phone.
ED2:16 And the LORD God instructed Adam. Of every tree of the garden thou may freely eat: instead of money changing hands.
ED2:17 But of the monkey puzzle tree of good and evil, thou shalt not eat it: for in the day that thou touch it, thou shalt surely get pricked.
ED2:18 And God said, Adam should not be alone, I don’t trust him; I will keep him busy.
ED2:19 And the LORD God bought every beast for his garden, and even fowl of the air. He brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them.Whatsoever Adam called them, that was the name thereof.
ED2:20 And Adam gave names to cattle, and to the fowl, and to every beast of the garden; for Adam was a bit too keen.
ED2:21 And the LORD God caused Adam to get tired, and he slept: and he took one of his hands, and placed it in a cup of water;
ED2:22 The ribbing which the LORD God would give Adam when he woke would be good. It would be even better if women saw.
ED2:23 And Adam said, There is now a wet patch and little chance of pulling.
ED2:24 When a man leaves his father and his mother, and finds his wife: they shall not be one flesh if there is trouser damp.
ED2:25 If they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed then possibly.